Polyamory and Jealousy.
- Fox Eros
- Feb 25, 2023
- 2 min read
“OMG you’re Poly?! Aren’t you jealous all the time?!” The topic of jealousy is the most common one discussed when people inquire about polyamorous relationships.
Even though we desperately may want to experience #compersion (taking joy in our Lover’s happiness with others)… sometimes it feels impossible. Here’s a bit about how to navigate jealousy with tenderness, curiosity, support and some deeper questions to ask your Self.
At times polyamory can be difficult and jealously can feel like a minor annoyance - to feeling overwhelmingly destructive and painful to our core. We compare ourselves, we feel we aren’t getting enough time, energy and attention or we spiral into despair when our Lover(s) have #NRE (new relationship energy).
1. Jealousy doesn’t have to define you, but must be handled with tenderness. What triggered it? What are your needs? What are the feelings under the jealousy that need tending to (insecurity, fear, anger?)
2. If jealous feelings arise often, ask if there are past relationship wounds or ruptures that need to be addressed. Is there any healing you need for your own past wounds? Do you know your own value & worth?
3. Peace compassionate curiosity…What is your biggest fear? Loss, abandonment…? How will you respond when jealous? How can you self-soothe when you feel triggered? Do you need new agreements with your Lover(s) (keeping in mind they be reasonable versus rigid and controlling)?
4. Collaborate with your Lover(s) on how to work thru these feelings instead of trying to control their behaviors. Ask them for compassion & patience. Reach out to an online or local poly community for support.
Emotions ebb and flow and the more we name our difficult feelings and talk about them and build aware of where and how they feel in our bodies, the more we can address them, and process them with compassion. (And if your jealousy feels intensely harmful to you, you can always reach out for support to a Poly-affirming therapist or to your community). polyfriendly.org
Fox M., Therapist (AMFT)