Sometimes jealousy can feel so uncomfortable, chaotic, unsettling, even painful… as if we are coming apart at the seams. And sometimes in my work I have found that what we think is ‘jealousy’ could actually be our attachment wounds surfacing. So many of us have insecure attachment styles and if you find you identify with one, this is something to be extremely tender and compassion about… as many of us did not have our needs met adequately in our upbringing.
Our attachment styles develop in reaction to how attuned / available and responsive our caregivers are to our emotional and psychological needs when we are babies. Our attachment styles can impact how we behave once we are in adult love relationships and even how we interpret other’s emotions, behaviors and feelings in love. For some, based on their attachment style, love can feel dangerous or threatening / safe and secure / or untrustworthy and unpredictable.
But let’s remember our nervous systems were likely overwhelmed when they developed these insecure attachment styles and thus they adapted to help us. It’s kind of beautiful. However, these adaptations may also no longer serve us in adult love relationships; and specifically in polyamorous relationships where there can be perceived threat in sharing our Lover(s) (which can feel like abandonment and rejection even though we know it’s not) or feeling like there won’t be enough resources (time, love, energy, etc.) even though we know there’s enough.
P.S. Please know there is so much hope my loves. Our attachment styles can shift in accordance to our Lover(s) styles, we can also heal in relationship by creating safe and secure foundations with our Lover(s), and we can aim to create safety and security with ourselves first and foremost. I highly recommend Jesica Fern’s book “Poly Secure” to read in depth about what each attachment style entails.
The Take Home: Please be kind with yourselves & Lover(s) as you expand into the full depths of your heart in your polyamorous love. More relationships can be mean more LOVE, more heartache, more big feelings, more insecurity, more feelings of being unhinged, more excitement, more arousal, more intimacy, more life, more of EVERYTHING. Wow. This life opens my heart. I’m smitten kittens.
Wishing you all the loves & many loves,
Fox M., Therapist (AMFT) lovelifeandfox.com